January 31, 2004

Today is January 31.

Ten years from January 31 of 2004...a day my life changed, and I didn't even fully realize it at the time. I remember it so clearly, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. I suppose in some ways it was.

I remember carefully choosing my dress and being nervous because I had never really been on a real date before. I remember wondering if he liked me or if we were really going to the dance together as friends. I remember feeling so special when he paid for my dinner, and the pleasant shock I felt when he kissed me.

Those memories used to make my heart ache with longing to go back to that time, and then later made me feel bitter with regret. I don't feel either of those things anymore. I never could have imagined back then that that one night would stretch into five years of my life, and that the end of that five years would have me facing the darkest parts of myself. I never gave thought that night to what sort of person I'd soon become.

But God knew. He knew what I would have to go through, and even offered me a way out multiple times, but in my own pride I was too afraid to take that offered hand, plagued with fears of being alone.

I remember my breaking point, when it was out of my control and I finally asked God to take it, and He did - quickly. Just as quickly, I changed my mind and wanted it back, but He knew better. He didn't let me have it, in spite of my begging and cursing and kicking and screaming. When I look back, I don't even recognize that foolish girl so desperate and needy and clinging to a toxic relationship like a heroin addict. I made some really poor choices during that time.

But God loved me through it anyway, and He didn't fall for my pathetic bargaining tactics. He rescued me from myself and what I thought I wanted so badly, and instead gave me what I needed. He took me from the crumpled, broken, co-dependant mess I had become and changed me into something new, something strong and secure because it was His creation and not my own.

I only have myself to blame for the decisions I made apart from God, but I don't regret that time of my life. I don't feel hurt or regret or even bitterness towards that person. I can't account for his actions, only for my own, and I'm truly happy that God set our paths in different directions. I'm thankful that it is in the fire of heartache and trial that we are refined, and that's where I learned God's voice and how to be truly satisfied in Him.

So here's to that girl ten years ago, nervous for her first date. In the end...ya done good, kid.