New Season.

One month has passed.

I've learned SO much in this month, & drawn so much closer to God through every step of this process. He's shown me much deeper facets of His love than I've ever known, & He's teaching me how to have faith for things that I want & to trust in Him alone for these things to happen. I've been obedient to Him & to my leaders, & sought God for wisdom & discernment. As I'm sitting here listening to worship music, there's a line of a song that stands out to me: "I never want to go back to my old life."

I think of how I've formed relationships in the past...how I got so wrapped up in emotions for the guy that I liked, & how I tried to make things happen the way I wanted them to. I never considered God in relationships that I had. But as I think back to those situations compared to the way the past couple of months have unfolded...I can't imagine NOT having God at the center of such an important thing. I have found such peace & grace & fulfillment in seeking GOD rather than a guy that I like. God is, after all, the embodiment of love itself. How can one who does not know God know true love? I don't want infatuation...I had a relationship for 5 years that was based on infatuation & self-satisfaction. I want perfect love that only comes from God. Love that 1 Corinthians 13 describes. And I should never seek that love from anyone or anything other than God Himself. I cannot imagine going back to my old life. I don't want it. My old way of doing things is repulsive to me. My satisfaction is now found in Christ alone, & everything else is just a bonus.

So on thursday, I will be having a very vulnerable conversation about how I feel. I'm nervous, of course...but not about the outcome. I know that God has it under control & that's all that matters. I've grown so much & drawn so much closer to God through this whole process that the end result almost doesn't matter - I'm thankful for what He's done already, & I know that whether this conversation turns out how I hope it will or not, He will continue to speak to me & meet me in it. Because I serve a God who is faithful...who loved me enough to die for me. And how could you NOT trust someone like that? He knows my heart. He knows my desires, & He is pleased to fulfill them in HIS time. I am satisfied with that.

Whatever happens, it will be a new & exciting season. And God will be with me in it every step of the way.