One Month.

I have been given one month.

One month to pray.

One month to think.

One month for wisdom.

One month to hide my heart.

One month to surrender.

One month for sorting emotions.

One.

Month.

I have been advised by trusted leadership in my church that, at the end of this one month, if I am still interested in the same guy that I have been attracted to for the past several months, the same guy I have written about for select few eyes here in this blog...that I should tell him that I have feelings for him.

This is a whole new ballgame for me. I have never been one to make the first move. But as a good friend pointed out to me, it actually IS okay to let a guy know you're interested. "Look at Ruth," she said, "You think SHE was discreet?" Touché.

I've been over the scenario in my head a thousand times. I mean, really it's a win-win situation, because if he DOESN'T reciprocate my feelings, it actually means that God has someone BETTER out there for me. This is an exciting & crazy notion to me. But if he doesn't like me back, I know it isn't the end of the world. As scary as it is to think of putting myself out there & being rejected, I know that there will be protection of the Lord in it. And I'm very thankful for that. He deals with me so gently, so I know His intention isn't for me to be hurt over this.

But then, I had another thought.

Even MORE nerve-wracking than the idea that he might not return my feelings...

...What if he DOES?

Somehow I hadn't quite worked that out yet. I still don't know that I've thought it all the way through. All I know is that if God hasn't shown me in the next 30 days that it is in fact not good for me to like this guy, I will be having a very, very difficult conversation with him about how I feel. And I know that I have incredible examples of healthy marriages all around me: Gary & Karen, Kal & Shanon, Katy & Nathan...my own parents. I don't want to settle for less than a relationship (& eventually marriage) that glorifies God. What else matters in life? I suppose I'm so nervous about this particular guy because his life is a picture of worship. He is the embodiment of things I was afraid to even hope to find for fear of being let down when I couldn't find it. He's a strong, confident spiritual leader, & I find myself wondering if maybe this COULD be something real.

I know that if he doesn't return my feelings, I'll be okay. What do I actually need apart from God anyway?

But what if he does.

I guess I'll find out. In one month.