From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart...

Yeah I use Britney Spears lyrics for titles...so?

After today I will not talk about him in this blog for one month. One month isn't that long, but it feels like eternity when you don't get to talk to the love of your life, your best friend, for 31 days. At the end of that one month I will know whether or not we will be together. See, he's already moved on. He likes someone else. It hurts so badly to type those words. But he still loves me...he's "just not in love with me anymore." I wish I could make him realize that no matter who you marry, you will not always be "in love." You will love each other no matter what, but it won't always be rainbows & butterflies & date nights & roses. I hope he will miss me. Somehow I don't think he will...but if nothing else this will help me take the first step to filtering him out of my life for good. I cannot imagine not talking to him every day. The thought makes my stomach churn. I don't want anyone else. I just want him...shouldn't that count for something?

I don't think I will ever cry again...after today I bet I cried 5,000 tears. My eyes were permanantly puffy & red & splotchy all through work tonight. Another good thing that will come of this is that I will be able to throw myself 100% into my drumming to distract myself. I also really want to find a church...who knows, maybe if I get good enough at drums I could even start to play on a worship team. Shannon, do you think Ange would mind if I went with her to Redeemer some sunday?

I've been listening to the podcasts from Living Light Christian Church. Ian has been preaching about learning to wait on God. I'm so bad at waiting for things. We live in a world of instant gratification. The podcast is helping me learn to wait, & I think that is the only reason I will have the strength (I hope) not to break down & call him before November 27. I really need prayer. I know I need to let go & give this to God, but I just can't. I can't seem to "put it on the helicopter," as my mom says. (In reference to when I had my accident--she said that when the helicopter came to take me to the hospital, things weren't looking good. But she didn't have any choice or control over the situation, she had to put me on the helicopter & trust in God to keep me alive.) I know that once I let go it will make me feel better that God is in control...& I always think of that quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't it was never meant for you in the first place."

My mood swings are ridiculous. One minute I'm doing great, & thinking, "I can do this! I can wait one month!" And the next I'm in tears with my finger on the speed dial, talking myself out of pushing that "2" button. EVERYTHING reminds me of him...even my dog! When does this get easier??

Please pray for me. My future feels pretty dark right now.

Grey Would Be The Color If I Had A Heart

I've become very angry lately. Like I don't have a heart. There's a big void there that's completely incapable of loving another human being in the way that I love him. I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking of him. All I wanted was to spend forever with him...& he didn't feel the same. The last thing I heard was "I have to go" before he hung up on me. Five years together & I didn't even get a goodbye.

I don't feel anything but pain...& hate. I hate seeing happy couples all around me. I hate that it was supposed to be me. I'm angry with God for the first time in my life, & I hate that too. I don't know how I will ever recover from this, & I just don't care. I have never felt pain like this before, & I don't know how I will ever sleep again. He was the love of my life. I believe you only get one.