I Need To Update More.

It's been awhile...let's see, what's been going on...

Well, I have been playing my drums alot. I really want to get good at the double-bass, because when you're really good it sounds amazing. And when you're not really good it sort of sounds like crap. So right now I sound like crap but I'm practicing hard. I had a lesson yesterday & my drum teacher says she is continually amazed by how quickly I learn. That is so encouraging to hear, because sometimes I feel like it's really dumb to start playing at 21 years old, when there are people out there like Jen who have been playing for 6 years & she's only just turned 19. But Emily says to keep at it & practice alot, & that she can see a huge improvement already.

Valentine's Day sucked. I'm glad it's over. I know we already did "our" Valentine's Day, but it still sucked being alone. Although, I did get some HUGE, amazingly beautiful lilies, roses, & carnations & a big vase from Isaac, & alot of chocolate from my Mom. That made me feel a little better. I've always liked Valentine's Day, even when I was single. But I've decided it's far worse to have someone who can't be with you on V-Day than it is to be single. And I know it's a Hallmark Holiday or whatever, & there's "no point," but I miss Isaac every day, & on Valentine's Day, all the happy little couples just reminded me of how MUCH I miss him. So I went to work, it was crazy busy, didn't make that great of tips, & then I came home & ate chocolate & fattening cookies & talked to Isaac for a long time on the phone.

Other than that...there's not too much to update. I gave my doggy a bath today. Haha. He always drinks his bath water, it's weird. I'll leave you with that.

Ice Storm.

Today I got all dressed for work, Dad came home early to pick me up, & we drove 30 minutes (that's how long it took in the ice & snow) to OG. We pulled into the parking lot & there were literally like two cars there. Drove around front...& there was a sign in the window: "Closed due to weather." Nice of them to call & let me know! Oh well, now I have another free night off work. I'll work at Chili's tomorrow, & then OG on thursday, & then Isaac will be here!!

I've decided that since Isaac & I won't be together on Valentine's Day, we'll do our own V-Day on sunday when we get to St. Louis. So tonight I've been wrapping gifts & planning out the evening. Anyone know of any good, not-too-expensive restaurants in St. Louis?

I need to finish decorating my room. I have a Twilight poster, wooden "movie tickets" that I got from my parents, & my "Que Sera Sera" sign that I need to hang. Maybe I can talk my dad into helping with that tonight. Speaking of "Que Sera Sera," I've been contemplating tattoos lately, & I've started considering getting that one. I like what it means ("whatever will be, will be"), & it sort of became a nickname, so it makes me think of my mom...it might be a good one for me to consider getting. More so than any kind of image, I think. I've started to narrow down the options...I'm going to start doing some mock ups & then I'll post them here.

EDIT: Okay, here are my top 3 tattoo ideas. Which one do you think is best? Click to make them bigger.

1. Invincible Symbol

WHAT IT MEANS TO ME:
This symbol was designed by John Cooper of Skillet & means "Invincible," based off of their song by the same name. The premise behind it is that when you give your life to Christ, your old self dies & you are reborn into an invincible life, because even after your body dies, your spirit is alive in Christ.

2. Que Sera Sera

WHAT IT MEANS TO ME:
I've already been over this one a bit...means "Whatever will be, will be." It was also my nickname as a kid.

3. Whispers In The Dark

WHAT IT MEANS TO ME:
The words are lyrics from a Skillet song (God promising that he will never leave us alone even in the darkest nights), & the music notes behind it are the first few bars of the drum music for the same song.

Best Week Ever.

Yes it will be! I get to see my boyfriend & two of my best friends in the entire world this weekend! I am so excited, I can't even explain it. I haven't seen one of them (my friend Rachel) in nearly 6 years. Crazy! I am so ready for friday to be here. I'm getting so impatient I can't even handle it.

I didn't have to go to work tonight because it's REALLY icy. We've had freezing rain all day, it came out of nowhere. It's kind of nice to have an extra night off, but I feel bad leaving Angela there by herself. But my dad said the roads are awful, when he was driving home his car was sliding all over the road & he was only going 10mph. It's bad. So today I've been doing laundry & cleaning & practicing my drums. I've got the first part of SMBH down, just have to work on the next 2 bits & practice alot, & then I will post a video!

I'm so excited for this weekend that I can't even focus on writing this blog.

Twirling My Sticks.

I'm teaching myself how to do a couple of simple drumstick tricks...because I'm bored, & maybe it will make me look cooler when I play. Haha. I was supposed to have a lesson tomorrow, & I was super-stoked about it, but she had to cancel because she has to work late. Lame sauce. We're rescheduling for monday, hopefully, if my OG schedule cooperates. I've been working on learning Supermassive Black Hole, & it's coming along...slowly...but I'm improving. I wonder if lifting weights, even small ones, would help me have more power in my drumming...hmm...

Today I was running errands with my mom & we stopped at Chick-Fil-A for lunch. We were sitting there chatting when an old guy (probably in his sixties) walked in wearing a skirt...& high heels...& make up. And he had a major gut. It was the most bizarre thing I've seen yet in this little town. When he was leaving I noticed his car had Florida tags. That explains it.

One week till Isaac gets here!!! Aaaaaahhhhh I'm really excited. This is going to be the longest week of my life. But part of me is enjoying the anticipation because I know the week that he's here is going to go by so fast. And I'm already dreading when he has to leave. Even though he's not even here yet.

The third book of my series came today, so I'm going to twirl & read.

Isaac Will Be Here 2 Weeks From Today!

It seems like it's taking forever to get here! I can't wait. The thing that sucks is I know the week that he's here is going to FLY by. But I'm not going to think about that right now.

My parents & sister left for ABQ this morning...wish I could go. I have to close OG tonight, mon & tues though, & they don't get back until tues night. On the other hand, I'm glad I'm missing out on the 10-hour car ride. That part always sucks.

Shannon made a post awhile back about a necklace she found on Etsy, & I thought it was cute but didn't really think too much of it. I was browsing my Flickr today & this REALLY cute necklace in the recent uploads section caught my eye. Turns out the user was selling it on Etsy, & I had to have it. I usually don't buy jewelry, or spend quite so much on it, but it is sooooo cute & sooooo my style! Love it!!

18 Days.

That's what I keep telling myself...only 18 days! It doesn't seem like that long, but it feels like forever. And then the 6 days he's here is going to FLY by, I'm sure. That seems to be how it always works. But I don't care. I'm so excited. If you couldn't tell.

One of my best friends in the entire world has been living in Germany for the last couple of years, & she's moving to St. Louis on January 25. That's like, just a few hours away! I haven't seen her in, oh...5...maybe 6 years? Dang. I think Isaac & I are going to drive out & visit her while he's here. So much to look forward to...seeing Isaac...seeing Rachel...it's like sensory overload & it's enough to make me just want to shut down & wait for January 30 to get here. Haha.

We had Thanksgiving dinner for the third time tonight, haha. Now that my sister is home she wanted to do the whole shebang since she wasn't here before. I reminded her that we had turkey dinner in NYC, & she insisted that having a little dude who doesn't speak English waiting on you is NOT Thanksgiving, no matter what the calendar says. So I ate alot.

I went on a Wal-Mart adventure with Cristen to get an iPod at like 10:00 tonight. It was good times, I feel like I haven't seen her in like, 50,000 years. Somewhere close to that, anyway. After Wal-Mart we went & ate at IHOP, where I ate even MORE food that I could have done without. Oy. Someone please tell me when to stop. Otherwise I will be a big fat fatty before you know it.

Korey Is At The Mall Today.

Yep. Korey Cooper, my hero, is at the mall in town today. I was there all day yesterday, why couldn't she go yesterday?! I have to work today, so there's no way I can go see her, which is a bummer. Such is life.

Isaac got a plane ticket yesterday!!! He's coming to visit Jan. 30 - Feb. 5!!! A whole week! I cannot wait. I have to think of some cool things we can go do. We might drive to OKC for a couple of days & go to Bricktown, or maybe to Stillwater to visit my cousin. Idk which one yet...but I want him to have alot of fun. Maybe then he'll see that it's not as boring as he thinks here, haha. Aaaahhhh I'm so excited to see him it's ridiculous. And I'm glad he's coming to visit me here, rather than me going there. It will be better that way I think.

I went to the mall yesterday with my parents & sister. I hate shopping with Al because she always talks me into buying those really cute things that I don't really NEED, but that I want to buy anyway. Haha. So I ended up with an adorable pair of green & black checkered flats on clearance from Aldo. They're slightly too big, but nothing some inserts & some tissue paper stuffed in the toes won't fix. Haha. Also, Victoria's Secret is having their semi-annual sale, & I can always do damage in there. And believe me I did.

Nothing much happening today...just work tonight. Closing OG again. What fun.

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas at my house. My sister got home last night, & so we stayed up & wrapped presents & woke up early & did our whole Christmas routine today. It's weird, because it's 60 degrees outside (which means my head will be a wreck again tomorrow), but it still feels like Christmas day because none of us have to work, & I keep thinking, "We should go do _____ today! Oh wait, they're probably closed...no they're not, it's a random wednesday!" Haha. But overall it was a good Christmas. My sister brought us all cool gifts from NYC (a Swarovski crystal snowflake & a Radio City blanket for my parents, & a little metal R2-D2 pen holder made entirely of scrap metal, nuts & bolts for me), & I got an external hard drive (which I BADLY needed with as many photos as I've been taking!), some cowboy boots, some money, & some other really cool stuff from Mom & Dad. So now I'm loading pretty much everything that I don't use on a daily basis onto my 400GB hard drive. Hopefully my computer won't be so slow & crappy now!

I get to see Isaac in 24 days! Still haven't found out whether he's coming here or I'm going there though...I'd really rather he come here, just because if I go visit him there's that obligation to see other people & we wouldn't really get to spend the whole time together like if he came here. But hey, I'll take what I can get!

Facebook Is Stupid.

Today there was an entire article in the newspaper about the Facebook "relationship status" & what it means. SERIOUSLY?! Since when did Facebook turn into the Bible? Furthermore, when did Facebook replace Myspace? Probably when they invented the "feed," which has only one purpose--to stalk all the people on your friends list. I don't need to know that Jane wrote on Gretchen's wall, or that Jimmy & Brittany ended their relationship. I mean, of course I care what my close friends are up to. But do I really need to know about Joe Schmo that I worked with for a month or two like a year ago? And I'm tired of all the drama associated with it! You're mad at me so you're going to delete me from your friends list! Oooo, scary!

My current annoyance is this. Isaac & I are back together. So of course my stupid Facebook says "In A Relationship." Anyone who has talked to me at all in the last 6 months knows that it's with Isaac. He, however, won't change his yet. It's a long story that I'm not going to get into. If he doesn't want to change it yet, fine, those are his reasons. But I am SO TIRED of people asking questions or acting like I'm this raving mad lunatic that just "assumes" we're back together & that he doesn't think so. I know, you're going to say, "Well then leave it blank & don't put that you're in a relationship." Well, not that anyone is looking, but if someone were interested I certainly wouldn't want them to get the idea that I'm single. The whole thing is just retarded & I'm seriously considering deleting the stupid thing altogether. And that was my rant.

I'm officially sick. Not really badly, just sinus, weather-related crap. It sucks because there's really nothing I can do for it except wait it out. I'm hoping I'll be better by tomorrow...I have to close OG tomorrow night, whether I'm better or not. And I really want ice cream. I always like ice cream when I have a sore throat...of course we don't have any, & I'm sick & don't want to go out into the cold to buy any. *sigh*

I should stop writing now. I'm just complaining now & no one wants to read that.

Okay, It's Official.

Isaac & I are getting back together. No more whining from me! Haha! Well, not about that. For now. Either he's coming to visit me or I'm going to visit him at the end of January. I cannot wait. After all this hurting & hoping & praying, it's finally working out.

Yesterday I went shopping with my parents & bought way too much stuff. Haha. I bought this journal at Barnes & Noble that's freakin cool, it's hardcover & says "Just when the caterpillar thought life was ending, it became a beautiful butterfly" on the cover. I don't know why I bought it--I have WAY too many empty journals. But it just really struck me, & I have to think of something really great to put in it. At the mall I spent my Hot Topic gift card in about thirty seconds. Haha. I got a Team Edward tee, a Paramore tee that says, "There is something I see in you, It might kill me, But I want it to be true," & a REALLY cute black & white striped bag that says PARAMORE in huge pink glitter letters. Love it.

Work tonight was insane! It felt like a friday rather than a monday! I made $30 in tips plus my hourly, I think I'm doin alright there.

Not much else to say...I need to start saving money. Christmas killed me. Haha.

I Think We Have An Emergency.

Things are crazy. I don't know how to feel. Things with Isaac & I are all screwed up...but kind of working out at the same time? I'm so scared to get my hopes up. I need all your prayers.

New York was fun, though it didn't feel at all like Christmas. We met up with our friends the Sturdy's there & I got to hang out with Jordan a bit, which was nice. I haven't seen him in forever. It was a pretty uneventful trip, we saw Alli's show, hung out with old friends, had part of Christmas in a hotel & came home. Don't go see "Marley & Me," unless you like to be sad.

Now I have to close at OG tonight & I'm stressing out about Isaac.

The Fight For You Is All I've Ever Known.

I don't know what to do...out of nowhere, things started going really well with me & Isaac. I got my hopes up (AGAIN!) & started feeling like maybe we have a chance...& now there's some chick all over his facebook. I dunno how he feels about her, but she clearly likes him. I hate that I have competition, & I'm not even there to defend myself...I don't even have a chance it feels like. I know everything will work out how it's supposed to, blah blah blah, but I hate the NOT KNOWING. It hurts to see somebody else all over MY boyfriend, & then having to just deal with it because he's not mine at all anymore. It just makes me feel sick, & it's really discouraging because I start to feel like no matter how bad I want this it's never going to work out. Isaac is really good-looking, & really funny...& really single. Of course girls are going to like him. I used to kind of like it, because it was flattering, in a way, knowing he was mine. And now I don't know anything at all & it's just scary because I wonder how long it will be before he chooses one of them over me. I'm not even there to have a chance, & why wouldn't he pick someone who lives closer? Someone he gets to see every day? I mean, I love him, so I want him to be happy...but I don't want him to be happy without me. That's so selfish, but I just hate not knowing what's happening. Sometimes I just want to go back right now. It feels like it's the only way I'll even have a chance of competing with all these other girls that get to see him every day. It hurts so much to see them getting the one thing I want.

Permission To Speak Freely?

I'm not sure what I'm doing. Or where I'm going. I'm pretty sure Isaac & I are over. I've been trying to do what I can to make it work, but nothing's changing. I think that...he just doesn't want me, but he's too scared to tell me that...so he's just stopped talking to me. This is all too much to deal with right now. I have seen so many possible outcomes of my future, & there isn't a single one that doesn't have him in it. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to "get over it." And everywhere I look my friends are getting engaged or new boyfriends or having babies. It should have been us. Everyone thought it was going to be us, myself included.

The thing that sucks almost as much as losing him is that I have no one to help me through this. None of my friends in ABQ have bothered to keep in touch. I don't have a single close friend that I can call & cry to. I'm tired of having one-sided friendships, where I'm always there for my friends & they can't squeeze in time for me. Maybe that's selfish, maybe I should just love them & be there for them without expecting anything in return, but is it so crazy to think that maybe there are times when I need them too? I don't know...I'm just tired of living for everyone else. It's not working. Nobody hangs out & stays friends forever like in "Sex & The City" or "Friends."

My life is so not turning out how I thought it would. I just want Isaac.

Do You Ever Feel Like You're Just Stuck In Life?

I do. Right now I do. Nothing is going the way I want it to. In fact, it feels like I'm moving backwards, rather than making progress, like I'm the only one who knows where I want to be in life but I'm the only one who can't change it. I hate feeling like I'm losing control of my own life. I am so close to just giving up on what I want. I need to face the fact that it's not going to happen, & then when it doesn't I won't be disappointed. And it will save other people the chore of having to let me down. None of this probably makes any sense to anyone else...just the ramblings of my tired mind.

Today was the last day of training at OG. We open tomorrow, but I'm off. It will be soooo nice to sleep in! Maybe I can get a new nose ring tomorrow.

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart...

Yeah I use Britney Spears lyrics for titles...so?

After today I will not talk about him in this blog for one month. One month isn't that long, but it feels like eternity when you don't get to talk to the love of your life, your best friend, for 31 days. At the end of that one month I will know whether or not we will be together. See, he's already moved on. He likes someone else. It hurts so badly to type those words. But he still loves me...he's "just not in love with me anymore." I wish I could make him realize that no matter who you marry, you will not always be "in love." You will love each other no matter what, but it won't always be rainbows & butterflies & date nights & roses. I hope he will miss me. Somehow I don't think he will...but if nothing else this will help me take the first step to filtering him out of my life for good. I cannot imagine not talking to him every day. The thought makes my stomach churn. I don't want anyone else. I just want him...shouldn't that count for something?

I don't think I will ever cry again...after today I bet I cried 5,000 tears. My eyes were permanantly puffy & red & splotchy all through work tonight. Another good thing that will come of this is that I will be able to throw myself 100% into my drumming to distract myself. I also really want to find a church...who knows, maybe if I get good enough at drums I could even start to play on a worship team. Shannon, do you think Ange would mind if I went with her to Redeemer some sunday?

I've been listening to the podcasts from Living Light Christian Church. Ian has been preaching about learning to wait on God. I'm so bad at waiting for things. We live in a world of instant gratification. The podcast is helping me learn to wait, & I think that is the only reason I will have the strength (I hope) not to break down & call him before November 27. I really need prayer. I know I need to let go & give this to God, but I just can't. I can't seem to "put it on the helicopter," as my mom says. (In reference to when I had my accident--she said that when the helicopter came to take me to the hospital, things weren't looking good. But she didn't have any choice or control over the situation, she had to put me on the helicopter & trust in God to keep me alive.) I know that once I let go it will make me feel better that God is in control...& I always think of that quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't it was never meant for you in the first place."

My mood swings are ridiculous. One minute I'm doing great, & thinking, "I can do this! I can wait one month!" And the next I'm in tears with my finger on the speed dial, talking myself out of pushing that "2" button. EVERYTHING reminds me of him...even my dog! When does this get easier??

Please pray for me. My future feels pretty dark right now.

Grey Would Be The Color If I Had A Heart

I've become very angry lately. Like I don't have a heart. There's a big void there that's completely incapable of loving another human being in the way that I love him. I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking of him. All I wanted was to spend forever with him...& he didn't feel the same. The last thing I heard was "I have to go" before he hung up on me. Five years together & I didn't even get a goodbye.

I don't feel anything but pain...& hate. I hate seeing happy couples all around me. I hate that it was supposed to be me. I'm angry with God for the first time in my life, & I hate that too. I don't know how I will ever recover from this, & I just don't care. I have never felt pain like this before, & I don't know how I will ever sleep again. He was the love of my life. I believe you only get one.