Putting My Past Where It Belongs.

Today is Alli's Birthday. Mom & Dad went to the City to take her to lunch. I didn't get very much sleep, I don't feel very good today so I am still home in bed.

Not much to report...I might be getting an iPod Touch. My drum teacher is selling hers because she ordered an iPhone, so considering I still have a Mini, I think I will buy it. I shouldn't because I am trying to save money, but I've been using the Mini alot lately, & I'm noticing that the battery life is getting shorter & shorter.

I've been thinking alot about friends lately, & mostly how I don't have any. Which is kind of lonely, but the more I think about it is kind of okay. I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore. Either because they betrayed me in a huge way, & I chose not to have that in my life, or because we drifted apart, or because they no longer talk to me for some reason. I was looking at old pictures of some of these people, & I thought to myself about how I used to miss them...but I really don't anymore. I want to surround myself with positive people that care about me, not people who try & break up my relationships with others or stop talking to me because their boyfriend told them to. I don't even really feel angry for the most part--there's no point dwelling on what could have been. I'm starting to make new friends, & maybe some of them will stick around awhile.

I think I'm going to go eat some cereal & take a nap.

Pointless Post.

I don't have much to say. This will be boring.

Last night I went out to IHOP with Cristen after she got out of work. We were there at about midnight & they told us the kitchen was closed until 2am for cleaning. We decided to stay & have drinks anyway...but then we had been sitting there for about 20 minutes & our waitress brought like 2 steaks & a couple salads & some pancakes out to the table next to us, & we were like, well hmm. Closed, huh? It was weird. So then we went to Wal-Mart, where I bought shoes I didn't need...but I have been looking for some cute black flats for awhile, & they were cheap.

I have today off work, which is kind of random...usually I work mon-fri & then have saturdays & sundays off. I'm really not looking forward to working on saturday this week because I've heard all sorts of horror stories about the new lady I'm scheduled with. I'm pretty sure she's bipolar. Last week I was having really bad cramps, & she had been complaining that she was only scheduled one day that week, so I called her to see if she'd maybe want to work. She FREAKED out on me & told me she didn't appreciate the short notice, & that it was inappropriate & a big inconvenience for her (I called her 2 & a half hours before the shift started), & that she'd TRY to be there...& then she hung up on me! So I called her back & told her not to go in. She just hung up on me again. I don't care who you are, do NOT hang up on me, especially someone like that that I don't even know! So I'm pretty sure my big mouth is going to piss her off at the beginning of the night because I'm pretty sure I'm going to say something about it to her. Nicely, of course, but I'm sure she will get mad.

I have no plans today...I'm sure I'll think of something.

What A Week.

This week was amazing, just like I knew it would be...I am so sad that it's over.

Isaac got here on friday & we played RockBand & had dinner with Tanya. Saturday (which was our 5-year anniversary, technically, by the way) we went to the zoo, & ate lunch at Chili's & then I made Isaac go see "Twilight" with me. He is such a good sport. And I think he actually enjoyed it a bit.

Anyway, sunday we got up & drove to St. Louis. Got there around 5pm & checked into our hotel, then Isaac watched the Super Bowl & I took a nap. Afterwards we drove into Illinois & picked up Rachel (it had been almost 6 years since we had seen each other, I still can't get over that) & spent many hours at Steak 'N Shake catching up.

Monday we had dinner with Shannon, where we ate a ton of food & felt like little piggies, & smoked some awesome hookah & had lovely conversations for 3 hours before meeting up with Rach in downtown St. Louis. We hung out at a bar for awhile & sang some karaoke & then went to a restaurant in the casino & ate a gigantic slice of Red Velvet cake.

Tuesday we drove to St. Charles & hung out with Shannon & Tyler at their apartment for an hour or so before driving home.

Wednesday we had lunch at Hideaway Pizza (sooo good!) & then went to Catoosa to see the Blue Whale, which was pretty cool, but sorta sad too. I think someone should re-open it.

Today was a sad day. We mostly hung around the house...& I moped. I know it's not fair because it makes Isaac feel bad, but I can't help it. I get so sad when he leaves...& it always ruins the whole day because I keep thinking, "We only have 4 more hours...2 more hours...we have to leave in 30 minutes..." It just sucks. I should probably have a better attitude, but I can't help it. I cried the entire time we were at the airport. And all the way home. I hate goodbye, especially when I have no idea when the next time I see him will be.

Best Week Ever.

Yes it will be! I get to see my boyfriend & two of my best friends in the entire world this weekend! I am so excited, I can't even explain it. I haven't seen one of them (my friend Rachel) in nearly 6 years. Crazy! I am so ready for friday to be here. I'm getting so impatient I can't even handle it.

I didn't have to go to work tonight because it's REALLY icy. We've had freezing rain all day, it came out of nowhere. It's kind of nice to have an extra night off, but I feel bad leaving Angela there by herself. But my dad said the roads are awful, when he was driving home his car was sliding all over the road & he was only going 10mph. It's bad. So today I've been doing laundry & cleaning & practicing my drums. I've got the first part of SMBH down, just have to work on the next 2 bits & practice alot, & then I will post a video!

I'm so excited for this weekend that I can't even focus on writing this blog.

A Heart Attack At 22.

One of my best friends, & my very first roommate, Danielle, texted me today at work. She told me that on saturday she was at work & when she bent over to put a tray away, she passed out. They called 911 & when she came to the firefighters were just arriving. They checked her heart rate, & it was 240 beats per minute (normal heart rate for an adult at rest is 60-100 beats per minute). They told her she was having a heart attack, & that she should try & relax to help it go down on its own...apparently it could have flat-lined at any moment. She was in the hospital for four days undergoing tests to find out why this happened, & it appears that she has a condition that isn't allowing her heart to pump blood to her brain. They told her basically if she were a car it would be the equivalent of a bad transmission--you can put the key in & turn it, but the car still won't start. She was released from the hospital this morning & she's hooked up to an at-home heart monitor. They're trying to basically cause it to happen again in a controlled situation so they can find out what they need to do to cure it. Best case scenario is that they can do surgery & correct the problem, worst case she will have to have a pacemaker or take preventive medication for the rest of her life.

Please please please pray for her. She is one of the most important people to me, we've been through alot together. I don't know for sure if she is a Christian, but I know her heart is in the right place & it has been for a long time. I bought her her first Bible before we moved in together, & we used to go to church together every sunday. Pray that the doctors will have wisdom in treating her, & pray that God will use this to show her where she needs to be.

18 Days.

That's what I keep telling myself...only 18 days! It doesn't seem like that long, but it feels like forever. And then the 6 days he's here is going to FLY by, I'm sure. That seems to be how it always works. But I don't care. I'm so excited. If you couldn't tell.

One of my best friends in the entire world has been living in Germany for the last couple of years, & she's moving to St. Louis on January 25. That's like, just a few hours away! I haven't seen her in, oh...5...maybe 6 years? Dang. I think Isaac & I are going to drive out & visit her while he's here. So much to look forward to...seeing Isaac...seeing Rachel...it's like sensory overload & it's enough to make me just want to shut down & wait for January 30 to get here. Haha.

We had Thanksgiving dinner for the third time tonight, haha. Now that my sister is home she wanted to do the whole shebang since she wasn't here before. I reminded her that we had turkey dinner in NYC, & she insisted that having a little dude who doesn't speak English waiting on you is NOT Thanksgiving, no matter what the calendar says. So I ate alot.

I went on a Wal-Mart adventure with Cristen to get an iPod at like 10:00 tonight. It was good times, I feel like I haven't seen her in like, 50,000 years. Somewhere close to that, anyway. After Wal-Mart we went & ate at IHOP, where I ate even MORE food that I could have done without. Oy. Someone please tell me when to stop. Otherwise I will be a big fat fatty before you know it.

Facebook Is Stupid.

Today there was an entire article in the newspaper about the Facebook "relationship status" & what it means. SERIOUSLY?! Since when did Facebook turn into the Bible? Furthermore, when did Facebook replace Myspace? Probably when they invented the "feed," which has only one purpose--to stalk all the people on your friends list. I don't need to know that Jane wrote on Gretchen's wall, or that Jimmy & Brittany ended their relationship. I mean, of course I care what my close friends are up to. But do I really need to know about Joe Schmo that I worked with for a month or two like a year ago? And I'm tired of all the drama associated with it! You're mad at me so you're going to delete me from your friends list! Oooo, scary!

My current annoyance is this. Isaac & I are back together. So of course my stupid Facebook says "In A Relationship." Anyone who has talked to me at all in the last 6 months knows that it's with Isaac. He, however, won't change his yet. It's a long story that I'm not going to get into. If he doesn't want to change it yet, fine, those are his reasons. But I am SO TIRED of people asking questions or acting like I'm this raving mad lunatic that just "assumes" we're back together & that he doesn't think so. I know, you're going to say, "Well then leave it blank & don't put that you're in a relationship." Well, not that anyone is looking, but if someone were interested I certainly wouldn't want them to get the idea that I'm single. The whole thing is just retarded & I'm seriously considering deleting the stupid thing altogether. And that was my rant.

I'm officially sick. Not really badly, just sinus, weather-related crap. It sucks because there's really nothing I can do for it except wait it out. I'm hoping I'll be better by tomorrow...I have to close OG tomorrow night, whether I'm better or not. And I really want ice cream. I always like ice cream when I have a sore throat...of course we don't have any, & I'm sick & don't want to go out into the cold to buy any. *sigh*

I should stop writing now. I'm just complaining now & no one wants to read that.

My Best Friend Is Getting Married Today.

I can't believe it. I remember when we made up dances to Steven Curtis Chapman. And played with model horses. And watched Selena a thousand times. And drank lots of Mountain Dew. And tried to start a band. And made the kids next door believe she was from Sweden. And came up with a way to communicate & sneak off when we got put in different groups in that character building seminar thing. And kicking butt at the three-legged race in AWANA. And when I moved away.

And now she's going to be a wife! To that annoying little kid at church camp! Haha. Who'd have thought. I'm so happy for her. But kind of really sad too. I just moved back, & now she's going away. I don't think I've ever had another friend like her...I remember my first sunday at a new church, bawling my eyes out because I couldn't imagine ever making any other friends ever again. I didn't want to get to know anyone at my youth group because none of them were like her. That feels like so long ago...& now she's all grown up! I couldn't be happier for her.

Congratulations, Shannon. I love you, & I wish you both all the best. I just know your wedding will be perfect.

Goodbye 2008. I Won't Miss You At All.

Happy New Year everyone. Anyone do anything fun to ring in 09? I had to work till 9:30 at Chili's (worst night EVER--$0.29 tip on the first table, stiffed on another, & a dine & dash on the last), then went to Tanya's. We ate pizza & played RockBand. In fact, we didn't even notice that it was midnight. About 12:15 we looked up & were like, "Oh...well then. What song do you want to play next?" Haha. I've never really cared about New Year's...I never "go out," I'd rather just hang out with family or friends. I don't know why it's never been a big deal to me. I've never made resolutions...not because I break them or anything, just because I don't want to. I know, I'm boring.

I'm glad to see 2008 end though. Not everything this year was bad...I moved back home & I'm so glad I did, but there was alot of heartache I wish I could have skipped over. I guess that's just life, & I've definitely learned from it all...there have just been alot of ups & downs. 2009 is pretty uncertain at this point, but I kind of like it that way.

Yesterday I moved my drums upstairs...omg I was sweating haha. My sister gets home next week & I'm sure she doesn't want drums in her room. So I bit the bullet & moved them. I HATE moving them, not even because they're heavy, but I HATE having to set them up again. I get them adjusted just perfectly & then I have to tear them down & move them & readjust. Grrr...haha. Plus, when I sat down to set them up they were waaaaaay out of tune (a combination of the cold & not practicing as much, I think), so that was my project today. My low & mid toms sounded TERRIBLE. So I spent an hour tuning, & I was pretty pleased with myself. I've never had to tune them when they sound so horrible before haha.

It's 3:30am. I should go to bed.

Catching Up.

Today was icy. I was stuck in the house most of the day, which sucked, but I got another drumming video made, so here you are:



I went to dinner with Shannon & we had strange conversations. It was so much fun. Then we went to Wal-Mart & I got the Twilight soundtrack (LOVE IT!) & Shannon bought boots. It's funny how after I was complaining about having no friends I got the chance to catch up with Shannon & 2 other friends I haven't talked to in a long time tonight. I guess God knew what I needed.

I have had this constant headache over my left eye all day. I thought it was a caffeine headache but I think it's from the cold. It's irritating, whatever it is.

I was going to write more but I'm getting distracted by Family Guy. Haha.

Permission To Speak Freely?

I'm not sure what I'm doing. Or where I'm going. I'm pretty sure Isaac & I are over. I've been trying to do what I can to make it work, but nothing's changing. I think that...he just doesn't want me, but he's too scared to tell me that...so he's just stopped talking to me. This is all too much to deal with right now. I have seen so many possible outcomes of my future, & there isn't a single one that doesn't have him in it. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to "get over it." And everywhere I look my friends are getting engaged or new boyfriends or having babies. It should have been us. Everyone thought it was going to be us, myself included.

The thing that sucks almost as much as losing him is that I have no one to help me through this. None of my friends in ABQ have bothered to keep in touch. I don't have a single close friend that I can call & cry to. I'm tired of having one-sided friendships, where I'm always there for my friends & they can't squeeze in time for me. Maybe that's selfish, maybe I should just love them & be there for them without expecting anything in return, but is it so crazy to think that maybe there are times when I need them too? I don't know...I'm just tired of living for everyone else. It's not working. Nobody hangs out & stays friends forever like in "Sex & The City" or "Friends."

My life is so not turning out how I thought it would. I just want Isaac.